


His Beating Heart (FANMADE ALTERNATE ENDING)

by Holdingbackrain



Series: Like a Drum (Fanmade Alt Ending) [2]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Homophobic Language, Implied Reincarnation/Past Life, M/M, Mild Language, Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan Season/Series 03 Spoilers, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 01:15:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 19,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29909922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Holdingbackrain/pseuds/Holdingbackrain
Summary: This is a continuation/alt ending to the Like a Drum fanfics by Lownly.
Relationships: Krista Lenz | Historia Reiss/Ymir, Marco Bott/Jean Kirstein, Reiner Braun/Bertolt Hoover
Series: Like a Drum (Fanmade Alt Ending) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2199234
Comments: 3
Kudos: 7





	1. I Missed You Too (Alt Ending to Chapter 7)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lownly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lownly/gifts).
  * Inspired by [His Beating Heart](https://archiveofourown.org/works/991680) by [Lownly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lownly/pseuds/Lownly). 



> Disclaimer: This is a continuation/alt ending to the Like a Drum fanfics by Lownly I have snippets from their fic in here to help place where I put each scene. Anything I copied and pasted from that fic are in Bold and italics and are only there just to place each scene. If at any point I am contacted by LOWNLY to take this down, I will take it down. My art twitter DM’s are open @jessmic15 if you’d like to contact me. Here is a link to the original fic’s if you haven’t read them: https://archiveofourown.org/series/58450
> 
> That being said, I wrote this for myself years ago for closure and I never expected to publish this, but I have a few friends who have asked me to do so. So here it is!!! I wrote this for the sole purpose of making the last chapter be the ending I wanted, but I’m still writing this because it’s my comfort fic. I write this when I need a pick me up. I have so many ideas, but I am not sure on how often I will post. Comments and Kudos are appreciated.
> 
> This isn't a replacement to the last chapter of the fanfic, think of it more as extra scenes I added!  
> Make sure to check out Marco's POV!

**_The world was quiet, both from his end of the conversation and mine. The sky was pitch black, only one or two stars to be seen over the beautiful light-polluted city of Trost. And somewhere out there, Marco was standing, maybe even staring at the same sky, out in Jinae. And somewhere out there was the guy he wanted to kiss at midnight. A guy who wasn’t me._ **

**_  
_** **_He was dumb, and I hated him._ ** **_  
_** **_  
_** **_If everything worked out for Marco, I’d have to see his stupid face, kissing Marco’s stupid face, and honestly I’ll probably fucking cry._ **

“ **_Hey, Marco?”_ ** **_  
_** **_  
_** **_“Yeah?”_ ** **_  
_** **_  
_** **_“Do you get the feeling that 2014 is gonna suck ass?”_ ** **_  
_** **_  
_** **_“…Yeah. I do.”_ ** **_  
_** **_  
_** **_Suddenly, the air was filled with ear-splitting ‘pop’s and ‘bang’s, the sky glittering with explosions of color. Outside the door, shouts of ‘Happy New Year’ rang out, and below the balcony where I stood, my parents’ party guests were pouring out into our garden to enjoy the fireworks. It was 2014._ ** **_  
_** **_  
_** **_“Happy New Year, Marco.”_ ** **_  
_** **_  
_** **_“….Happy New Year, Jean.”_ **

*****

We had talked for a couple hours after that about Marco's adventures in Pokemon so far, catching his first Eevee, his proud voice booming after speaking about his fletchling catch. What a rookie… He also managed to get Fennekin to evolve to Braixen, which I was really fucking proud of, not gonna lie… but he seemed to be getting tired. I craved that freckled boy's presence like no other and loved all the pokemon talk, but I started thinking that he should go to bed so one of us could sleep.

As if on queue he let squeaky yawn out. “You should go to bed,”

“But what if I don't want to?” He started yawning again mid sentence, his voice squeaking as he did so. God it was so cute… but his voice was going straight down my body right to my dick. I wasn't in my bedroom yet either and I didnt want to risk anyone still lingering from my parents party to find me. _Marco I can't do this again…_

“You need sleep,”

“You're probably right.”

“Of course I am,”

“Well,” His voice sounded sad. Why was he sad all the sudden? Usually when we said goodbye he wouldn't seem this way. We would crack a joke, or say we would talk tomorrow morning. “Goodnight Jean,”

I swallowed. “Something on your mind?”

I heard a sigh from the other end ring into my ears. “I-It’s fine.”

“You sure? You really don’t sound fine.”

“Yes. I’ll be okay,”

I closed my eyes, shoving my hands into my pockets as I listened to his voice only get more and more painful with every second. “Did I say something wrong? Did I hurt you?”

“Y- no… uh.” he was silent, my heart pounded softly in my chest as I leaned into it, I needed to hear his voice. 

“You can tell me, man.”

He continued his silence for a moment and then said, “Well, I found out something today, and I keep thinking about it.”

“What did you find out,” by the way he spoke it just ensued bad news to me. I was scared… I wanted to hold him tightly so I could comfort him.

He sighed. “Y—you sure you wanna know?”

“God, yes Marco.”

A pause. “It’s just… I, uh—” he stuttered, trying to attempt to put words together. It was as if he didnt even know what he was saying. “You um… remember that guy I liked?”

 _Liked_. Why past tense? My chest started to billow slightly with anger. I would kill to find out who he was, because clearly he hurt Marco. “What happened? Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Jean please don’t worry, everything is fine,”

“This guy is making you depressed though, what the fuck did he do to you?” My chest ached, god did I long for him to be in my arms.

“It’s okay… I promise—”

“Marco, you’re not okay! This bitch hurt you, I’m gonna hunt them down,” I imagined myself digging a grave in my backyard and throwing the guy he liked down it, slightly satisfying the thirst for killing the guy who had made him feel this way.

“Jean, he still doesn't know. He didn't hurt me, he didn't do anything wrong.”

“Then why are you sad?”

“Y—...uh I… He… he likes someone else,”

I'd be lying if I told you part of me was so excited that the affections Marco was feeling towards someone weren't reflected back, but I also felt sick thinking so. I couldn't help but wonder who it was that had broken him. “How do you know that?”

“H-he told me…”

“Straight to your face? What the fuck.”

“I… I think I should go to bed,”

My heart sank even lower, I didn't want to leave him, especially since he was feeling so depressed. Part of me just wanted to tell him now that I liked him, but who the fuck would tell someone that they liked them after they had their heart broken? ...fuck I would do it. I would fucking do it so fast if I wasn't scared of him rejecting my feelings towards him. _Someday…_

“Are you sure you're gonna be okay?”

“I'll be okay. This happens a lot,”

I hurt so bad, I just wanted him to be the smiley freckled boy whose essence was plastered into my continuous thoughts. He yawned again, which was probably a good queue to end the conversation. “Look, forget that guy. He sucks ass. Anyone would be lucky to have you, I promise.”

“I… It was probably hopeless from the start. He never would have returned my affections,”

I frowned and leaned into my seat, staring at the ceiling as I spoke. “Marco you listen to me right now,”

“A-Alright…” his voice squeaked.

God, his voice was so fucking cute when it did that. “I want you to know that no one on this goddamn planet in their right mind would think you weren’t perfect in every single way. Shit… You’re an amazing person… and you deserve the whole fucking world.”

“Thank you.”

I blushed, I tried hard not to gush about him anymore. “Serious dude. I just want you to know that I uh… I love you—” I panicked and quickly added at the end, “—man.” _God fucking dammit._

“I love you too,” he paused. “...dude,”

For a moment my heart beat fast to his response. It was all I wanted to hear… of course on different context but still, I'll fucking take what I can get at this point. “Get some sleep,”

“I will, I promise.”

“Hey, you know the deal with nightmares goes both ways,” I quickly added. “If you need to talk to someone in the middle of the night, call me.”

“I will,” he made some shifting sounds, I could only assume he was laying down to finally get some rest. “Goodnight Jean,”

“Goodnight Marco,”

The line cut and I immediately pulled my phone away, looking at the picture of him on my lock screen fade off showing my normal background. “I love you, Marco…” I muttered to myself, wishing so badly he heard my words. As I did so I also opened my saved photos. God I had so many of him now… I scrolled through all of the ones of us together, pausing at the ones from the selfie war with Jaegar we had a million years back. _Look at that bright red stupid freckled face of his…_ I thought, staring at the photo I had licked his cheek in.

I set it as my background photo on my phone.

The door to the office opened and I jumped a good ten feet in the air almost, stuffing my phone immediately into my pockets as if I had something to hide on it. It swung open to reveal none other than Eren Jaeger… Fuck.

“You look fucking awful, man.” he snickered. Eren was in a full suit, with matching forest green tie and pocket square. He had a snowflake lapel pin on the middle of his tie. His hair was messy, his shirt was untucked. I could see the white poking out the bottom of the jacket. It was understandable knowing that he had been at a party all night.

“Don't you know how to knock?”

“I was looking for Mikasa and Armin and I walked past this room. I heard you talking on the phone, I was only really able to hear that he was upset,” he paused. “I also heard you say you love him finally.”

“Don’t you know that eavesdropping is rude as fuck? Also, guess what? I didn't say it. I'm a fucking coward.” 

“Too bad. You gotta tell him someday, you can't hide it forever.”

I sighed, knowing full well that I didn't give a shit who I was talking to about it, I just wanted someone to hear me out. “Well, since all you assholes know who Marco likes and don't care to fucking tell me, he told me that the guy he likes told him today that he likes someone else.”

“...what?”

“Yeah. It crushed him…” I clenched my teeth and closed my eyes. “If only I knew who's ass to shove my foot into,”

“Dear god, you are both dense as hell…” I heard a huge sigh come from Eren and he pulled a chair next to me and sat down. “Look, I don't give a shit about this bet anymore. It’s driving all of us crazy,” he muttered. “Jean both of you are so ignorant and stupid. It's right in front of both of you and yet you still don't get it,”

“Fuck you, bitch.”

“Jean,” he said sternly to me. My mood almost dropped there, but since it was Jaegar I was on high alert. This was very strange. He was never this serious to me. “This is extremely important. I didn't want to be the one to tell you this, but you both are not looking into the big details. I care about Marco a lot, he's one of the nicest friends I have, and honestly I hate seeing him struggle like this,”

“Okay…”

“Okay… first. What do you know about him.”

“Marco?”

“No you dumbass… the guy he likes,”

I thought for a moment, reflecting about everything Marco had told me about him. “Well… I know he wants to kiss the guy. It's someone he likes, he's probably close to them if he likes them. He hasn't told me much else.”

“Have you put any thought into the ways he reacts with other guys?”

I groaned loudly, almost frustrated at the conversation. “What do you think I've been doing all this time? I've been watching the way he reacts to every guy we know. Nothing. I don’t ever see any interest in his eyes towards anyone. I don't understand how all of you guys can see it but I can't. I'm his best friend… A shitty one.”

“You haven't been watching his reactions to everyone then. Clearly,”

“Fuck off Jaegar,”

“I could just leave right now and not tell you who—”

“Sit the fuck back down,”

He scooted himself back into the seat, grinning a little as he spoke. “Who is the last person you would expect him to like?”

I looked down at the ground, shrugging nonchalantly to the question.

“Jean I know you know the answer. I'm not asking because I wanna know, I'm trying to help you understand shit.”

“Oh my fucking….” I straightened up, annoyed with this whole conversation. I just wanted it to be over, so I decided to do as he asked. “Uh… me?”

“Have you been watching the way he acts around you?”

I blinked. I was under the impression that nothing was there the whole time so honestly I hadn't. “Well, no but—”

“Look, just think about it. Please.”

And believe me, I fucking was. I was remembering every time I looked at him to search for his unrequited feelings towards another person. The first time he had come clean, he showed nothing to me, towards anyone else. And the whole time I had though why. Why would he have loved some other guy when he was already close with me? He always had the softest smiles, the cutest eyes… his cheeks red, making his cute freckles pop as we spoke... but why didn't I notice till Eren had laid it out now?

I remembered when he played the piano, the blush on his face. He had covered it in his hands deep on thought. Was he thinking of me? I had caught him entirely off guard that day, it made sense. Maybe I was wishful thinking. I remembered the Hayride a few months back, the way that he was so nervous about everything that was happening to both of us. People were trying to help him with something... and he didn't want the help. Is that why everyone was fucking with me that day?

He always woke up when I had nightmares, he was always there. He didn't care about his sleep, he cared about my dreams. He wanted me to sleep well every night… is that why he was always so stiff when I brought his body close to mine? Was he scared that a relationship would ruin our friendship?

What about the Christmas party… he had kissed me on the cheek… did he want to kiss me like I had wanted to kiss him? Did he not do it because he thought I was straight...

“Uh… Jean?”

The thoughts instantly melted away and I was hit with the fact that Eren was the one bringing me to the light. I narrowed my eyes. “How in the fuck do I know you're not lying to me,”

“You have a point,” he shoved his hands into his suit pockets. “But if I was, why would I put Marco through that? He's a great person, why would I want to mess with his feelings?”

I pursed my lips, looking away from the shitty guy sitting next to me. God I wanted to believe it… but part of me just didn't. Why would Marco not of told me?

“Why would he say that the guy he likes has a crush on someone else then? I didn't say anything about that to him. Probably someone else,”

He scoffed at me, resting his head on the back of the chair. “Playback what you guys talked talked today. Think about it.”

I did… we didn't talk much today only a couple phone calls. He was busy with his family doing shit, and I was home waiting for him to talk to me again.

“I mean…” I paused thinking of our last call. “All I can think of was that he asked me if I had someone I wanted to kiss on new years. I could have lied to him, but I didn't. I told him there was someone.” I looked at my phone for the time, but simply got flashed by the new background of it. Marco's red face the focus. I found myself staring at it for a moment. “Now that you mention it, he did sound a little disappointed that I had someone in mind. Dammit…”

He shrugged his shoulders. “Jean you need to tell him,”

“As much as I wanna trust you,” I swallowed, shoving my phone back into my pocket and closing my eyes once again. “I just don’t,”

Eren’s hands made contact with his face, groaning loudly. “I would never do this just for you. Marco is having a really hard time with this. I’m doing it to help him. Because maybe if I pushed _you_ in the right direction, something would finally happen between you both.”

I felt my heart flutter, but pain from my anger, my anxiety, all of the emotions I felt were all billowing into my chest. It hurt like a bitch. “I… I'm scared he hates me now,”

“He doesn't hate you, Jean.”

“How the fuck do you know? Do _you_ talk to him every day?” I deadpanned.

“No,”

“That's what I thought.”

A voice echoed through my almost empty home. It was Carla calling for Eren and Mikasa.

“Jean it doesn't matter…” Eren stood up putting the extra chair back in its spot. “Just ask any of your other friends, everyone knows. We're all just waiting for one of you to make the first move,”

I narrowed my eyes and shrugged, crossing my arms and looking out the window. “Alright, just get off my ass.” I sighed. “I won't do it over the phone though. I wanna do it in person,”

“Well, good luck Kirstein,” 

“I better not regret trusting you,”

He nodded and yelled back. “I'm coming mom,” the door shut behind him.

I was alone again.

I opened up my phone screen for a second time, staring at the photo of Marco and I. Son of a bitch, I was so gay for him… I was so gay for my best friend. How had this happened to me, a supposedly straight man? Alas, I could tell anyone that I had stronger feelings for him than I had ever had with anyone else.

**To Connie:**

**u awake rn**

I was curious. Eren had said to ask anyone… So I figured I would ask someone I thought knew who he liked.

**From Connie:**

**Jean its 3am wtf**

**To Connie:**

**does marco like me?**

I was so anxious. I wanted so badly for it to be true, I just wanted someone I could trust to confirm it.

_Please… please, dear God Connie answer…_

**From Connie:**

**you woke me up at 3am for this**

**To Connie:**

**yea i just wanna make sure befor i tell him pls**

A few minutes later I got a response, my heart was pounding.

**From Connie:**

**just talk to him u bitch don’t ask me if u rlly wanna know ask him im goin to sleep now**

I put my head into my hands, my heart fluttering at a million miles an hour. I couldn’t trust Eren… I just couldn’t. It was too risky to put my trust in that reckless assholes hands. I couldn’t just ask him… 

_“Hey Marco! Jaegar was talking to me after I was talking to you on new years, he said you wanna stick your dick up my ass?”_

Yeah, no. Too damn risky I was not going to say anything about it. Although it did interest me and make me feel like my feelings might not be for naught, I couldn’t risk our friendship… But god did I want to tell him. Although I knew the risks, I just wanted to release all my feelings onto him. I wanted to grab his shirt and pull his face into mine. I wanted to slide my tongue into his mouth and kiss him harder than I had ever kissed anyone. I just wanted to throw him onto his stupid half bunk bed in his dorm and I… I wanted to relive my dreams I had about him.

...But I can’t fucking do that. It’s Marco. I can’t lose him...

 _Dear god I need to go to my room now…_ I could feel my crotch getting hotter as blood seemed to slowly flow down. I had a halfie just from thinking about him.

Shit… this was hopeless.

*****

I couldn't sleep. All I could think of was Marco. Good God after what Eren had told me, I didn't think I could sleep for the rest of my life. I laid on my bed, staring at Facebook like it could tell me something that would actually tell me. There were photos everywhere. Everyone was out having fun. 

A photo of Bertholdt and Reiner holding sparklers while also holding hands captioned: "I can't believe I get to spend another year with you," Armin posted a video of some fireworks, probably from my house. I quickly scrolled passed. Krista posted a photo of her with a glass of red wine, a dress matching the color of what was in her cup. Connie shared some conspiracy theory video which I wasn't interested in watching so I scrolled again.

I stopped dead in my tracks.

**Marco Bodt changed his profile picture.**

A photo of Marco and his little sister Marie lit my screen up. Their identical faces smushed up against each other in a huge hug, their freckles almost meshing together. Marco had a huge smile on his face, a black beanie covering his messy brown hair. Marie had a green scarf around her neck. Fireworks were lighting up the sky above them.

I closed my eyes, my heart pounding as I set my phone down. I sat up from my bed, my hands covering my face with fear.

I was so in love with him. 

I slid out of bed and made the short trip to my computer, switching it on. The screen lit up, skype being the first thing to come onto my screen.

Instinctively I opened Chrome, and sat at there, staring at the Google browser in front of me. What the hell was I trying to search anyways? I couldn't just google: "Does Marco Bodt like Jean Kirschtein,"

I fucking wish I could.

I typed in the url for Reddit into the browser. It was the next best thing… wasn’t it? I quickly went to r/Relationship_Advice, I thought it was the best place to go at the time, don’t judge me…

I didn’t really think, I just typed:

**_I'm (18m) very fucking straight, but I think I'm falling in love with my best friend (19m)_ **

**Not sure if this is the best place to post this but here we go…**

I sighed, pausing as I typed. What the fuck would I say? Maybe I should just pour out our story…  
  
 **We met a while back in our astronomy class. I was sick for a bit so we exchanged notes and became instant best friends.** **  
****  
****We've been hanging out a lot in his dorm doing homework, watching movies and playing video games together. I've all but moved into his little room. He doesn't have a roommate (which I've thought about becoming but I'm unsure because of the situation I'm in) I usually slept over in his spare bed every weekend because of this.** **  
****  
****Well... for a while now, I've been possessive of him. We kinda only hang out with each other and when he wants to do something, I want to be there with him. Theres been nights I've slept over that I've had nightmares, so he invites me to sleep in his bed. We've cuddled, hugged, held hands, but nothing else really. I've thought long and hard about kissing him, and I've had a few dreams about us having sex. Its driving me insane.** **  
****  
****I didn't understand why I was this way until about a month ago when our other friends pretty much shoved it in my face that I have feelings for him. (I'm a big fucking dumb ass alright) They all keep telling me to tell him about it, and talk to him about my feelings but how can I when I don't even understand what the fuck I'm feeling.** **  
****  
****I don't think I'm gay, I've kissed and had sex with women, and I am still attracted to them and yet I have strong sexual feelings towards a man??? I don't think I'm Bi either, because I don't find any other man on this planet attractive at all. Just him. Like I'm [him]-sexual or something.** **  
****  
****Another thing, he's bi. He likes guys and girls, but he has a crush on someone and he won't tell me who it is. So do I even tell him? How can I tell him if I dont even know what my damn sexual orientation is? Please help...**

I leaned back in my seat, reading over what I wrote over and over again, and I made sure a million times that it was posted anonymously. Biting my lip and closing my eyes, I quickly submitted the novel.

I got one immediate response:

**Haha, u not fuckin straight my man.**

I pressed my head against my keyboard, sighing loudly as I did so. “Wow, I didn’t know that, thanks.” I muttered as I laid there. It wasn’t long until the hum of my computer lulled me to sleep, my thoughts only on Marco...

_The barracks were empty, everyone was out doing other things they were all assigned to do, but we both finished early. We both wanted to be with each other alone, so damn bad._

_The door burst open and we rushed inside, already tangled in each other's arms. My hands had already taken off half of his harness, sliding it off of his slender, toned body as I placed kisses onto his neck, and cheeks. I could feel him shiver under my touch as I nibbled at his still covered shoulder blades as I led him to his own bed. The metal frame squeaked as I pushed Marco into the mattress. He smiled at me seductively, and I raised my eyebrow as I smiled at him, drinking in the marvelous view I had created for myself._

_He looked wild already, his hair all in disarray from my lustful fingers. His harness being half way taken off looked as if it was removed in a rush, his jacket left at the mess hall we had just cleaned. His shirt was halfway unbuttoned, showing a muscular chest, already shining with sweat. He bit his lip as his eyes made contact with mine, smiling as he did so._

_I swooped in, grabbing his freckled cheeks as I placed my lips on his. He opened my mouth as I slid my tongue into his, exploring his lips and caressing his tongue. I let one hand drop as I positioned myself above him, throwing my leg over him to straddle his hips. I could feel him whimper into my mouth as I softly rocked my hips over his, pleasure radiating out of my body as I did so._

_I released his mouth, but my lips weren’t done with him. I kissed a line down his cheeks and to his neck, softly licking and biting as I went._

_“Jean…” He gasped loudly. A pang of lust resonated in my chest as he did so, Dear god the things he did to me by just saying my name._

_It was a sudden moment of weakness and Marco took advantage of it, quickly grabbing me and turning us around. His eyes looked into mine as he was above me, my area down south screaming to come out of my trousers. He pressed into me rocking back and forth. I let out a soft moan as he started to undo my clothing, kissing my neck as he did so._

_“Marco… Please,” I begged him. “I want you so damn bad…”_

_He smiled cockily, his eyes piercing my own. He began to savagely rip my clothing off, the act only turning me on even more. He got my harness off and slowly unbuttoned my shirt, kissing where each button was. I gasped as he got lower and lower, my chest only feeling more and more strained as he did so._

_“What do we have here?” He looked up at me, but the moment he did I closed my eyes. I blushed hard as I felt him starting to unbutton my pants. My underwear made a tent over my hard on, showing him exactly how much I needed him at that moment. I could see his tongue lick his lips which made me cry out softly, I wanted so badly just to feel him on me. I wanted to be inside of him._

_He exposed me to the cold open air and I gasped at the sudden change of temperature. His eyes were on his well earned prize. He wasted no time to start teasing me as he placed his hand on me, unmoving._

_“Please…” I begged. It was all he wanted from me. He leaned down, kissing the head as he started to move me in his hands. I arched my head, softly moaning out as he did so. By god it was the best feeling I had ever felt in my entire life. Marco knew how to touch me, He knew what made me go crazy…_

There was a knock at my door and I shot up, my dick throbbing in anger that my dream had been interrupted. 

“Hummm?” I replied groggily. “Who is it…”

“I have breakfast ready for you downstairs when you want it. I’ll be outside if you need me,” Anita said from the other side of the door.

“Thanks…” I sighed softly. I looked down at the bulge in my boxers it was pulsating with anger that I hadn't finished. I sighed loudly and released it from it’s cloth prison.

A noise ensued from my computer, a message from skype.

I quickly opened it, but reached over for the lotion behind my computer. 

I tapped the mouse and was greeted by my novel on Reddit, which at this point I highly regretted… though I did, I refreshed the page to see if anyone else had replied. My heart rate spiked.

Fuck, there were 43 replies… I went through my notifications to empty it out, skimming over all the short ones.

**Sorry my dude, you're definitely bi. Not straight.**

**Go for it.**

**What are you waiting for, it's clearly you he's into.**

**Wow another fake post lmao**

A few reddit users poured their heart out to me telling me their stories, which made me sigh loudly. I was no different than a lot of these people. They all probably thought I was some fucking idiot. 

One of the last ones caught my eye as I scrolled through.

**It's you, dumbass! Its so in everyone's face that it's you he wants, hes Bi? Go fucking tell him as soon as possible. He probably thought you were straight and didnt want to ruin your friendship by telling you. Tell him before it's too late!**

**Also: about your sexuality, (I don't wanna assume for you, just making a suggestion.) you could be demisexual – you're attracted to someone only after you've really known them. Doesn't matter the gender (some people only feel this way towards one gender, but usually it's just a person that makes you feel really special).**

I sighed loudly, clutching my head in my hands. My post had gotten way too much attention… what if Marco saw it? He would fucking know it was me, SHIT. I rushed to the 3 dots on the tab and pressed the delete button. My story vanished. 

I groaned, rustling my hair up into a giant mess. _Demisexual, huh? Maybe I should do some more research._ My stomach screeched in protest at my thought. _I guess I'm getting breakfast first._

*****

Marco was almost non existent for the next few days. All I could think was maybe I had said something wrong, but my mind continued to go back to what Jaegar said. What if he was right? Everyday I almost didn’t hear from him it took me everything not to pour out my heart over text. I couldn’t do it… I wanted to so bad, but I felt like he was slipping through my fingers and the fact that he had almost been avoiding me made it all worse.

I couldn’t help but bring it up to him…

We were playing pokemon and talking on skype about a week before we could go back to school. I wasn’t paying attention to my game as much as I was looking at him, his fluffy brown hair sweeping into his face. That goddamn smile that would occasionally pop up as he found a new pokemon. 

“Hey Marco…”

He perked up, his brown eyes meeting mine. My heart fluttered for a moment and I regretted even bringing anything up. “Yeah, Jean?”

“I…”

He paused, waiting for me to speak, but I couldn’t handle how cute he had become in just one second. “Jean are you okay? You’re blushing.”

That didn’t help either. My face felt warmer as I darted my eyes away from his, attempting to help make it go away by looking away from his face. “I’m sorry I just…”

“What’s wrong?”

“Are you avoiding me?” I glanced at him for a moment, my face still hot.

He blinked, his face now flushing a soft pink. “I ah… uh… no.” He then let out a deep breath and ran his fingers through his hair nervously, his eyes avoiding mine.

“That was painful to watch,”

He sighed, his face getting redder as time went on. “I’m not avoiding you, I promise.”

“Then what are you doing? Why haven’t you talked to me in a bit? Did I do something wrong?”

“No, no, no. Please, I’m just having some personal problems.”

I frowned, the flush on my face finally faded at this point. God I didn’t want to bring it up… It was bound to go places I would rather not go. “Is it about the guy you like?” _Now you've done it Jean..._

He glanced up at me before looking down, his face still flushed red as well. “Well… Yeah I… I guess,”

“You guess?”

“Look, Jean…” He closed his 3DS, setting it on his bed next to him. _Here we fucking go… I did this to myself._ “It’s just really hard for me right now—”

“Marco, you don’t have to go through this alone. You can talk to me about it. Why avoid me if you’re sad about some guy who broke your heart? I’m supposed to be your best friend… I’m here to help you get through this.”

His face looked pained. It almost reminded me of the time he got drunk alone… when he cried. “Jean, you’re amazing in every way and you help me with everything, but this isn’t something you can help me with.”

“You can bet your ass that I’ll try if you gave me the chance to,”

“How?”

“If I knew his name I could kick his ass for you,”

Marco scoffed and shook his head. “Even if you could, I wouldn’t want you to.”

“Even after he broke your heart?” He nodded softly to my response and I groaned. “Is there anything I could do to help? I don’t want you to feel broken…” Marco quickly wiped his eyes, but before he did so I saw tears starting to form in them. My heart shattered right then and there, I wished I was where he was, it was utter torture not being there to comfort him.

“Well could you could make a guy, who has no interest in me, start loving me?” I froze and stared at him.

“What?”

His tears only seemed to flow more after that. “Shit. I’m a mess… I’m sorry, I should go.”

“Stop! Don’t leave me when you’re like this,” His tears continued, but he stopped speaking and thank god, he didn’t leave. “I can’t stand seeing you hurt, it hurts me.”

“Why would it hurt you—”

“Marco you’re my best friend.” I breathed heavily, anxiety pouring out of my being. I wanted to tell him… _I can’t tell him. I can’t tell him. I can’t tell him, I can’t fucking tell him. I can’t—_ “When you’re hurt like this, it makes me feel sad too… Because I—,” my brain scurried to try to fix my sudden slip up, searching for a good phrase I could use instead of _I love you._ “...Care about your happiness and well being.” _I fucking hate myself._

“I’m sorry…” He sniffled.

My chest felt like I had piled a thousand bricks on top of it, the pressure of not being able to help him terrified me. I closed my eyes, sighing loudly and placing my hand on my cheek. “Would talking about him help? Tell me more about him,”

It was quiet for a bit. His hands were on the side of his head and he was aimlessly looking to the right, tears softly falling from his red cheeks. I was starting to wonder if I had lost connection with him when I heard him start speaking. “I don’t know if I should tell you,”

“Why not? Maybe it’ll help if you talk about him.”

Another pause. “Okay…” I was so focused. I was going to soak in every word he said… because part of me hoped that it was me that he had a crush on, but I still couldn’t trust Eren. I leaned into the computer a distant thought in my mind wishing that I could just jump through the screen.

“I... I met him in class.

“Yeah?” _So far so good…_ “What class?”

He laughed weakly, his voice still raspy sounding from the crying. “I can’t tell you that, then you’ll know exactly who it is.” _It was worth a shot…_ “We didn’t really talk at first, but I noticed him on the first week of class. I… kind of watched him,”

I blinked. Now I wasn’t sure again. “Really?”

“Yeah…” He paused. It felt like an eternity before he spoke again. “Jean, you’re straight, right? What would you do if some guy was ogling at you?”

All I could imagine was Marco ogling at me. God I wish that were me… At the same time, my mouth opened but no sound came out as my eyes widened. Panic ensued through my entire body, my hands shaking wildly. Did he find me out? 

_“Knowing you, you’ll fuck it all up if you run headfirst into it like a dumbass.”_ Reiner’s voice echoed through my thoughts. 

_Don’t fuck it up. Don’t fuck it up. Don’t fuck it up._

“I— I… y— ah.. um…” Holy shit I couldn’t speak. The words seemed to just jumble in my mouth, I wasn’t even sure what I was trying to say myself. I couldn’t hide it from him any longer. I covered my face, knowing fully well that it was extremely red. “I don’t know…. Maybe I’d like it?”

 _WHAT THE FUCK? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS_.

He was silent for a moment. It almost felt like an eternity before I finally heard a response. “Why?”

I didn’t have a good answer for him. I didn’t want to give myself away, so I shrugged nonchalantly, my hands still partially covering my face. His hands were no longer covering his tearstained freckled cheeks. I occasionally snuck a glance at his face every so often, looking into his big brown expectant eyes. “Look I don’t wanna talk about it right now, It’s kind of complicated…”

His face was a range of emotions I honestly couldn't read. It mostly looked like fear? “Oh.”

I lowered my face, pulling my knees tighter to my body. “Look, I’ll tell you someday I just…” I bit my lip. “I don’t want to do it over a call. There’s too much for us to talk about, it would be better in person,”

He wiped his face from any excess tears, thankfully they had stopped almost as soon as they had started. “Do you wanna do it when we see each other again?”

_Yes… Yes, I want to scream to the heavens that I love you, Marco. I want the whole world to know that._

_I want you to know that._

I thought for a long time, wondering if it would be a good idea to tell him… I mean, everyone was telling me to do it. He was going to find out someday. Plus there was the fact that I might have a chance according to Eren. I chewed on my lip, looking down at my knees as I did so and nodded at him.

“Then I guess it's a date,”

My heart twinged at his words, fluttering stupidly for them. It was crazy how head over heels I was for him. We were both awkwardly quiet after that, sitting on each side of the computer just staring away from the screen. I peeked my head up a little once again. “Hey Marco?”

“Y-yeah?” he brought his eyes back to me.

“Is the offer still up…” I swallowed.

“The offer…?”

“Y'know… to be your roommate?”

He smiled at me, his brown eyes squinting as he spoke. “Of course. So have you decided?”

“No I…” I tussled my hair nervously. “I need to talk to you about that first thing. It'll help me decide.”

He nodded. “Next time we see each other, we can talk about everything, alright?”

 _Yes. Hell yes that's alright. That's more than alright._ “Alright,” I was surprised. I thought I would be wracked with anxiety the moment I decided to tell him, and now that there was an actual date set to tell him everything, I was relieved. Ready or not… I was going to tell him. It was finally gonna tell him.

“Enough depressing and serious shit. Let's talk about Pokemon,”

I grinned at him, and nodded. I listened to him talk about Pokemon all night. I could have listened to him forever if I had the chance.

*****

I was put into a group text for a good 20 people at 4 am, and for once I was actually asleep… until 20 fucking people started responding. I threw my covers off, angrily snatching my phone and immediately unlocking it. Whoever woke me from my sleep was going to pay.

**From Ymir:**

**Hey everyone, it's the new year! Krista and I wanna kick it off with our closest friends at our house, come get plastered and play games with us.**

I groaned, scrolling through the texts.

**From Reiner:**

**Sounds like fun. Time?**

**From Sasha:**

**You ordering pizza again?**

**From Eren:**

**Hell ye**

**From Connie:**

**Ymir tf it 4am y u do dis**

_Me the fuck too, Connie…_ I thought.

**From Ymir:**

**I wake up early to go to the gym. If you wanted to sleep, you could have put your phone on silent! Anyways, just be here by sunset on friday.**

**From Reiner:**

**We'll both be there**

I began to type my message when Marco texted me.

**From Marco:**

**You get the giant ass group text?**

**To Marco:**

**yea it woke me up**

**From Marco:**

**Same… but it sounds fun! You wanna go?**

Fuck, I didn't want to, but the fact that Marco wanted to made me want to as well.

**To Marco:**

**I mean were like a package deal lmao yea that would be fun**

I didn't get a response. He replied to the group though.

**From Marco:**

**Jean and I will come together!**

I immediately regretted not sending my own text.

**From Connie:**

**You and Jean? You coming together? Hehe…**

**From Eren:**

**Ohhhh shit!**

**From Jean:**

**guys shut the fuck up its not like that**

Marco texted me out of the group chat.

**From Marco:**

**Fuck, Jean I'm sorry I didn't mean it that way.**

My heart rate spiked and I quickly texted him back.

**To Marco:**

**Dont appologize its not ur fault connie and eren are bitches we ARE going together its ok just get some sleep again**

The group chat was exploding, so I put my phone on silent and set it down.

I would deal with this later.

*****

**_On Monday, January 6th, I got this weird as fuck text message:_ ** **_  
_** **_  
_** **_From: Marco_ ** **_  
_** **_5_ ** **_  
_** **_  
_** **_I tried to ask him to explain, tell me what the fuck that was about, but he wouldn’t. But for a few days after that, he continued to send me a number, once a day, until I realized that day by day, the numbers were decreasing._ ** **_  
_** **_  
_** **_From: Marco_ ** **_  
_** **_2_ ** **_  
_** **_  
_** **_To: Marco_ ** **_  
_** **_youre counting down the days, aren’t you!!!!_ ** **_  
_** ****  
**_From: Marco_ ** **_  
_** ****_Maybe! ;D_

**_…_ **

*****

After a round of hollering from the crowd we had gathered from our gay reunion, Marco got off from on top of me (unfortunately) and we started to unload his car. I had already gone to my dorm and left my stuff there, so I was ready to help him bring his stuff back to his dorm. Thankfully, it only took us one measly trip, which was great because I was ready to just hang out with him again. I missed him way too much.

We set everything in his room and it was straight out to Ymir’s house. Armin had offered to be the designated driver again. He couldn’t hold alcohol well and so he never really wanted to drink anymore. Lucky for all his non-sober friends.

We got in and crawled to the back of his van, shutting the door behind us. We started moving well before we sat down. He had to pick up other people.

“I really fucking missed you.” I said, as I buckled in.

“I missed you too,” Marco added as he clicked his seatbelt. He seemed weary… almost a bit sad. A smile soon came onto his face as quickly as I had noticed his depressed look.

“You okay?”

“Yeah!! Sorry,” He chuckled softly as he pulled out his cell phone. “I just miss my family. We had a great time together.”

“They seem really cool,” I smiled. “Wish I had a cool family like you,”

“Anita seemed pretty cool,” He said behind his phone screen, scrolling aimlessly through it. “She treats you like you’re her own kid.”

I shrugged. “Honestly? It’s easier to say that I am,”

He sighed softly as his bright screen illuminated his face. I glanced over at him, his brown eyes following the movement of the scroll. I couldn’t believe how beautiful they were. They were a deep chocolate brown, a color I had seen before on others, but his were different. They were warm, loving, and inviting. They melted my cold heart as my emotions for him oozed out of my subconscious. His cheeks were pink from the cold, making his soft freckles pop out. I followed the freckles to his perfectly framed jaw, which lead to his neck. They went down into his shirt, my adventure ending on his collar bone.

I wanted to see more.

I hadn’t realized before how utterly gorgeous the man was. I couldn’t help but daydream about kissing, sucking, and biting his smooth freckle infested neck, counting each freckle as I went… 

I stopped myself there, feeling that my thoughts were beginning to wake _other_ things up. _Oh, too late…_ I quickly stripped my jacket and laid it on my legs, gathering it up near my groin area. Fuck, all the sudden I was so nervous. “Is it getting hot in here…” I muttered nervously.

“What?” He looked up once again and I darted my eyes away as quickly as possible.

“Nothing,”

The rest of the drive was uneventful, we picked up Reiner and Berthold who both shot me looks. I gave them both a deadass stare, empty of emotion. Eren and Mikasa were both next, Eren squishing next to me in the van. He also looked at me, his eyebrows wiggling at me. I grumbled to myself and shoved him away.

We pulled up into Ymir’s driveway, The front door was already open. Everyone flooded from the vehicle, all glancing at Marco and I as we got out. “I need a drink. Now.”

“Are you alright?” Marco grabbed my arm and tried to stop me, but I walked forward out of his grasp.

“Never fucking better.”

I rushed inside. The house was kind of full, but didn't seem like a stereotypical crazy college party. A cooler full of ice held bottles of beer which I quickly raided, taking three beers out. I tossed one at Marco and cracked mine open, throwing my head back to chug the bottle as quick as possible.

The liquid was god awful, but I didn't give a shit. I needed to be drunk.

Marco grabbed my arm, pulling the bottle which emptied right as he got it away from me. "Dude… we have all night, what's the rush?"

"I'm just stressed, I wanna feel drunk."

Marco seemed like he wanted to help me but I really didn't want it. I just wanted to let go for a night. Not have to worry about Marco, the guy he liked (which was possibly me, but also possibly not), roommate shit, and all of our annoying nosy fucking friends who were trying so hard to "help," me. 

But I can tell you one thing: I don't remember anything else about that night to this day.


	2. I love you too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> From here on, it's original content! I'll be adding more chapters in the future hopefully. Enjoy!

One thing's for sure: if I'm shitfaced drunk, I don't really have nightmares. So when I awoke that morning in Marco's bed at 11am I felt like shit, but at least I was well rested. I rose up, my head immediately shooting with pain. My hand shot up and clutched my head, as I fell back down into his bed squeaking out a small moan. Clearly I went overboard last night.

 _How did I get here? Probably Marco…_ I thought to myself.

I attempted to get up once again, the pain shooting through my head once again. I squinted at the light pouring into his room.

It was then that I realized I was completely naked.

My phone rested on the nightstand next to me which I quickly snatched, and I covered myself with Marco's blankets once again. I had a million texts, one from Marco which I immediately checked.

**From Marco:**

**Hey, if you wake up this morning and I'm not here it's because I decided to do Laundry and shower. I took your clothes too, you vomited on them. I'll be back soon.**

I sighed, embarrassed at my dumb ass for thinking that getting blackout drunk was a good idea. I tried not to imagine the fact that Marco had possibly stripped me down, by himself… I guess the fact that my clothing was covered in vomit helped me deal with it. Clearly he found no pleasure in it.

I had other texts:

**From Connie:**

**dear lord I hope u remember what happened last night**

**From Reiner:**

**If you wake up and you don't remember anything, You'd better talk to Marco right away. You both need to talk about what happened last night.**

I felt my whole body go cold as I opened up the text from Eren. It was a photo. I was sitting in Marco's lap on a couch surrounded by a bunch of people in a circle. Marco was blushing so damn hard in the photo.

I had both my hands on his face, he had one hand nestled in my hair and the other wrapped around me, our eyes shut.

We were… kissing.

The kiss looked like it was much more than a peck… I think I had my tongue in his mouth.

The best part: everyone in the background was cheering, screaming, and flailing at our display. Unable to handle the fact that we were both kissing each other… and I didn't remember a damn thing about it. 

**From Eren:**

**I figured you would want this. Ymir's game kinda fucked you up.**

Hell fucking yes I did, but it only made me have so many more questions.

I kissed Marco last night and I didn’t fucking remember it. By the texts, I gathered that it was from some game that Ymir had set up, but why the fuck would he let me climb on top of him and kiss him? I groaned loudly, slapping myself in the face which in turn made my head shoot with stabbing pain. I fell back into bed, clutching my temples and hoping for relief. 

I saved the photo, who fucking wouldn’t? It was photographic proof that at one point in my life my dreams had come true. Granted, I didn’t remember a damn thing which sucked ass, but it happened and that’s all that mattered to me… Okay. That was a complete lie, I fucking _wish_ I remembered so damn bad.

I rolled in bed, my head pounding as I texted Marco.

**To Marco:**

**hey… srry about my clothes. i feel shitty how do u feel?**

After sending the text, I sighed loudly and covered my face with a pillow. The light pouring into the room was no longer bothering me for a moment. There was a buzz in my hand so I checked it, my head partially under the pillow still.

**From Marco:**

**Good morning, Sleeping Beauty. I feel like shit too, but I’m positive you feel worse. I was going to order pizza and coffee for breakfast, does that sound cool?**

_God, I love him_. I thought.

**To Marco:**

**fuck yea that sounds good. ur saving my life i could fuckin kiss u rn**

I sent it, but immediately regretted my choice of words. I wished I could take it back, but I wasn't going to fork out a 'No Homo,' after what I had seen. I would just have to deal with the consequences. I patiently waited in agony, wondering what he would say to me.

**From Marco:**

**Okay, I'll see you in a bit. I'm taking a shower now. If you want to come down, you can take one after me.**

I was unsure if he even knew how much of a tease he was. My body ached to go down to the showers and find him, but I knew that was a bad idea.

Especially after the photo I had just received.

I decided to test the water with my next text.

**To Marco:**

**i prbly should if i puked. Do u remember what happened last night?**

I set my phone down and got out of bed. My migraine continued to ache as I snatched a pair of Marco's pajama pants and slipped them on before snatching his other clean towel. 

My phone buzzed, then directly buzzed again. I gulped and unlocked it to see his texts.

**From Marco:**

**Yeah…**

**From Marco:**

**Do you?**

My heart leaped, my anxiety beginning to set in. That meant that he was aware of the fact that we kissed. I wondered what he thought of it. Besides, I wouldn't be lying if I said no… but what about the photo? Should I talk to him about it?

**To Marco:**

**Did we kiss?**

I shuffled with my phone, struggling to hit the send button but I immediately regretted it. I shouldn’t of sent that text… What the fuck kind of questioned as that? We sure fucking did and I had no memory of it. The proof was in the photo Jaegar sent me. Regardless, I had already sent the damn message so I was forced to wait out for his response. A few minutes passed. I was scared. Maybe he was showering? I sighed, draping the towel over my shoulder and left the room, my phone clutched in my hands.

He hadn't texted me back by the time I had groggily reached the showers. He was probably in one of them, but my head was in too much pain to call out to him. 

I wondered which one as my thoughts began to wander, which I quickly stopped due to the fact that I was bare ass naked under these pajama pants. There was no way in hell I could get a damn boner right now.

I rushed into one of the stalls, quickly turning the shower to cold before hanging my towel on the provided hook and left my phone on the shelf next to it. I quickly rushed to get under the cool water, letting it run down my body and over my aching head. I tried so hard to get rid of the thoughts I had but though the cold water was helping me deal with one problem, I wasn’t solving the other.

All I could think about was the fact that Marco and I had kissed and I had no memory of it. I couldn't help but wonder what it was like, what his lips felt like against mine, or what it felt like to straddle him as I pressed my tongue into his mouth. What did he sound like… what did he taste like. God, I probably tasted horrible. I had been drinking enough that all I had probably tasted like was cheap beer.

I let the water run through my hair and down my body shivering it's cool temperature. My mind beginning to wander further and further.

“ _Jean…” Marco’s voice shook between our kiss, his lips parting to let out the softest pleasing noises. My chest ached with pleasure as I dove in, my hands hungrily grasping at his neck and back to keep him against me. I needed more of him. God, I needed him now…_

_“Marco…” I sighed into his neck, my legs rocking in his lap automatically. I traced my lips further down, my lust pushing me to continue downward. I pulled his collar back to suck on his collarbone, tracing it with my tongue and teeth. The shirt was immediately discarded giving me more access to his freckled chest, which I took advantage of quickly. One hand went to cup his peck, my fingers gliding against his nipple._

_A satisfying moan came out of his mouth twisting my own name in the sound. "Jeeaaan…"_

_I loved him. I loved the way he said my name. It was driving me closer to my breaking point, I wouldn’t be able to hold myself back much longer. I traced my lips back up, meeting them roughly with his once again. My hands began to wander his body, exploring new places I hadn’t touched before. My heart raced against his chest as I once again let his name slip from my lips. “M-marco…”_

“Jean? Are you okay?”

I was snapped back to reality, warm water rushing down my back, my hands on my dick. 

Marco was very close by.

I switched the shower to cold once again and winced as the cool water hit my back, letting out a loud groan. I heard him attempt to get into the stall. “I’m okay! I just switched the water to cold on accident and slipped when I did.”

Silence. “You slipped on the floor because you turned the water to cold?”

I covered my face, shaking my head at myself angrily. I could have blamed it on the hangover… or anything else. Why was I a complete dumbass? “Yeah. It scared the shit out of me, I didn’t expect it to get cold.”

“Are you okay? Did you get hurt? Do you need me to help you?”

“No, I’m fine! I’m sorry, just—”

“Why were you saying my name?”

Fuck, I said it out loud? “I don’t know…”

The room was quiet. Only the sounds of my shower was heard. It was deafening. Marco hadn’t spoken for a long time and the silence was killing me, but I didn’t know what to say after all that had just gone down.

Then, finally Marco softly croaked out. “Yes,”

“What?”

“The answer to your last text,” He muttered softly. He sounded so close to my stall which sent my heart rate up, and in turn made my head feel worse.

I shut the water off and quickly snatched my towel, trying to dry myself off as quickly as my aching head would let me. God was I curious. I wanted to know everything about it, my mind was racing. “Was I any good?”

He let out a weak chuckle. It sounded like he was just outside the door. “Very…” He paused. “Was I?”

I froze, my stomach flipping. Fuck this was going to be so hard… “I… Don’t remember,”

“Oh.” He sounded disappointed. My heart broke right then and there. It hurt worse than my head felt.

“No, no no…” I quickly slipped into his pajama pants and walked out of the stall. Marco was leaned against the closed door next to mine, looking away from me. He was dressed in a T-shirt and a pair of basketball shorts. His hair was still wet and slicked back. His eyes suddenly met mine and I took a deep breath, taking the image in. I wish I could have seen him in the shower without all of it on but… I quickly blinked back into focus and spoke again. “Marco that’s not what I meant…” I sat down next to him, putting my hand on his shoulder, squeezing it softly. I prayed to whatever gods out there that it felt comforting to him.

“Jean…” He turned to face me, his eyes full of shame. He could barely make eye contact with me. “You don’t have to be nice about it—”

“Marco.” I sternly grabbed his hand, squeezing it as I spoke. “I don’t remember any of last night, at all. I’ll be pretty honest, I fucking wish I did.”

His eyes lit up a bit, but there was shame still clouding his eyes. I wished I could make them look happy again, it hurt to see his sad ones. “Why would you want to remember any of that?”

I shrugged, unsure what exactly to say out in public so I quickly averted the question. “I have my reasons. I don’t really wanna talk about it here… but I’ll talk to you about it. Just… not here.” He seemed to catch my drift and stood up, offering his hand to me. I accepted it, hoisting myself up. We walked to the dorm room together, our bodies seeming to get closer and closer as we walked. 

“Well… then how did you know we kissed?” He asked, pressing the elevator button to go up. I pulled out my phone and scrolled to my gallery, showing him the saved photo. He immediately blushed bright red. “I told all of them to delete the photos! Who sent this to you?”

“Why did you want them deleted?”

“I… I didn’t want your parents to see…” He looked away from me once again and I looked away from him, also blushing. It was kind of him to protect me, but come on… I could have had that kiss at all angles. Maybe even had a video of it… “I just didn’t want you to be compromised over a dare.”

We sat there for a moment, waiting for the elevator to come down and all I could think of was how sweet this freckled asshole really was. Sure if my parents actually saw that, I would probably be fucked, but I was getting close to not giving a shit anymore. I could get a job… I could figure it out on my own. I didn't need my parents to help me.

"Eren sent me the picture," I said finally, looking at Marco for a moment. His eyes were glued to the elevator, almost prying it open with his eyes. Maybe this wasn't a good time to talk about this… what else could I bring up? "So, was the guy you liked at the party?"

Why did I ask that? Why did I even want to know? Was it because I would be satisfied knowing that the stupid bitch who broke his heart saw me kiss him? What if it made him jealous… what if he envied me. My lips slightly curled as Marco interrupted my wandering thoughts. "Yeah… he was there."

Dear god, was I absolutely pleased to hear that. "Did he see us kiss?"

He was quiet for a moment. "I don't know, he was drunk,"

I sighed. "You think he might have blacked out like me?"

"Yeah"

 _Too bad._ I thought.

“Not that it matters,” He sighed softly. “It’s not like he would care anyways. He isn’t interested…” The doors opened and we both stepped inside.

“But what if he is?”

“He isn’t…”

I wanted to push further, but Marco was beginning to sound angry, so I backed off. Pushing things too far could make him start avoiding me again and that was the last thing I wanted. At least I had the satisfaction that the guy Marco liked saw the whole thing… probably shit-faced drunk like me and forgot the whole damn thing, but still.

I wished I could remember kissing him. I felt like a complete dumbass. If I hadn't have been stupid and angry for no reason (Well... There were a few reasons, one of them by the name of Eren Yeager) I wouldn't of gotten drunk so quickly, and maybe I could have remembered what Marco's lips felt like on mine, or how it felt to be in his lap… or what it felt to have his hands on my body or what it felt like to touch him wherever I wanted—

Fuck. Stop thinking.

The doors slid open, thank God, and the two of us were no longer trapped in the cramped metal box alone together anymore. Marco kept walking closer to me and it was making me nervous, our hands kept touching. Was that gay? Marco wasn't saying anything. Was I expected to say 'No Homo,' to the hand stuff? I was doing really good to not say it lately in fear of getting killed by Mikasa.

I looked at him and he seemed lost in thought. Of course he probably didn't give a shit, we were friends. Friends occasionally touch each other's hands… right? Was it normal to spoon your best friend in your sleep all night long? Or to makeout hardcore with them while drunk at a party?

Yeah… definitely. We're just friends and Marco was definitely not interested. Why should I ruin our friendship by telling him I liked him when I didn't even understand my own feelings?

I was doing us both a favor.

 _No you aren't._ I thought. _Yes I am._

Marco opened the door for me and I met his big brown eyes for a moment and fell again. Fuck I couldn't keep a secret from him… he'd find out sooner or later. Probably sooner, because I'm real fucking good at making things worse.

I bet he hated me for kissing him in front of his crush. I bet he absolutely despised me. He looked so depressed. I must have ruined it for him.

“Marco—”

“Jean—”

Terrible. Bad. I hated it when we did shit like this. “Y-you go first…” Marco said.

I averted my eyes. I couldn't look at him anymore. I felt like a criminal. “Do you hate me… you know. For kissing you?”

Marco seemed to let out a loud sigh, like he was relieved? What the fuck? “No. I was going to ask you something similar.”

What?

I hadn't expected that answer. “Why would I hate you for letting me kiss you?”

Marco had gone to his closet and started picking out clothing. He pulled a long sleeved shirt off a hanger and started to slip it on. Even him getting dressed was hot, what was wrong with me? I turned away, feeling incredibly guilty for objectifying him. I couldn't help it... he was so attractive. Why was I so gay?

“Because…” Marco started in a solemn tone. “You’re straight. You’re not interested in guys and you were forced to kiss me, and there’s photographic proof and Eren—”

 _No._ No, no, no. “Marco…” I stopped him. I couldn't face him still because of how guilty I felt, but I continued to speak regardless. I felt myself flush red, as I let the words come out of my mouth. “I… I ah… I’m not sure if I’m straight.”

And Marco said nothing. I was fucking terrified. 

Why did I tell him that? Why did I reveal that information to him when I didn't even know what the fuck I was or what I felt? I mean… I knew I liked Marco, but I was pretty sure I still liked girls too. I shouldn't have said what I said. He was gonna see right through me and realize shit and I was gonna end up losing Marco.

Fuck.

 _How do I take that sentence back?_ I thought. I needed more time.

“Why?” Marco's voice was soft and confused.

And cute, as usual.

 _This is not the time to be fucking attracted to Marco, you idiot._ I thought.

“I… I like someone." I said. That sounded fucking stupid after saying that I wasn't entirely straight. I had to elaborate… but I couldn't tell him it was him yet. "A guy.”

Perfect.

“I’m happy for you.” Marco said quietly.

What?

“Yeah.” I replied, a bit confused at the fact that Marco hadn't pried further. 

_That was seamless._ I thought. _I'll tell him someday, just… not now._

*******

"You've been here a lot," Connie said dryly as he walked into the bedroom jumping into his bed with a loud sigh.

I was sitting on the floor, watching Netflix and eating a pizza I ordered for myself alone. "Yeah, and?"

"What the hell happened with Marco? You guys made out, and then some, at Ymir's party. It was disgusting. Everyone thought that would do it."

"And then some?" I asked, pausing my tv with interest.

"You were grinding him, and kissing his neck—"

"Stop." God, why _didn't_ Marco hate me?

"You asked!" He muttered before sitting up and snatching a piece of my pizza.

"Hey!" I attempted to snatch the slice back, but Connie had already stuffed half of it in his mouth. "Asshole,"

"You're disgusting. You look like you haven't showered since that party."

He was partially right. I hadn't really done anything since I spoke to Marco last, let alone shower. I'd been eating pizza everyday because I didn't want to cook for myself, stayed up countless nights because my dreams of Marco were relentless, and I had been trying to distract myself with Netflix. I had let some of my stubble get overgrown and my hair was a mess. I probably smelled terrible, but I hadn’t noticed yet.

I was a mess. I knew it.

"You're not my fucking mom, why are you harassing me?" I growled

"I dunno." Connie leaned back in his bed. "I sort of enjoyed having a room to myself most days. Sasha and I sometimes hang out alone here, when Reiner and Bert aren't, y'know…" He did some really exaggerated pelvic thrusts, which made us both uncomfortable.

"Never do that again,"

"I don't think I will." Connie replied. "Anyways, I've had to deal with you being here all week, looking disgusting and depressed. What the fuck happened with Marco, why aren't you guys together?"

"Why would we be?" I replied. "Just because I like Marco doesn't mean he would like me. I tried asking you weeks ago if you knew if he liked me or not and you just told me to tell him shit. Well, look where we are now. We kissed and I think that if he actually liked me, he would of confessed to me or some shit."

"Jean you texted me at like three A.M." Connie said dryly. "Why would I be awake and ready to tell you about Marco's feelings?"

"It was a yes or no answer," I deadpanned.

"Yeah," Connie chuckled and rolled his eyes. "A yes or no question that you should have asked Marco. Not me. Have you even asked him yet?"

"I mean, no. But I—"

"For Christ's sake. Talk to Marco yourself, you dumb fuck." Connie reached down and grabbed a second slice, throwing his crust into the box. 

I scowled and closed the box. "Stop taking my food without asking,"

"I'm giving you free relationship advice, Jean. I deserve compensation."

"No, I don't owe you shit, Springer. Fuck off."

Connie leaned down to look into my eyes, no signs of remorse or regret clouding them. "Where would I go? This is my dorm."

I shrugged. "I dunno. Sasha's place?"

Connie nodded, shoving my pizza into his mouth once again. "You have a point, although I'm not allowed to go there after hours, even though nothing would happen between us. But still, the other girls in the apartment she lives in would probably be weirded out at me being there during the night."

I rolled my eyes. 

"Why aren't you at Marco's?" He said in a teasing voice.

"Shut the fuck up. You know why already."

"Ah…" He finished the pizza, once again tossing the crust at my now closed box. "Because you're a dumbass."

"I didn't ask to get harassed,"

"Nether did I,"

There was a knock at the door and I jumped when it sounded. Who the fuck was coming to our dorm at this time of night? Granted it was just evening, not really night yet, but still. Connie snickered and I shot him with a dirty look so nasty it shut him right up. I didn't want to answer because I was terrified it was Marco looking for me, so I stayed put, continuing to glare at Connie to go answer it.

"Jesus Christ, alright." He finally said, getting up from his bed to answer the door.

Thankfully, it wasn't Marco.

Unfortunately, it was Eren.

I groaned with agony at the sound of his voice, not really wanting to speak with him at the moment. I wasn't looking forward to speaking with him after he sent me the photo of Marco and I kissing. I was positive he was going to want to hear that I confessed to him when I hadn't. Why was everyone there at that moment to pester me? Fuck my life.

Eren entered the room with brows furrowed. "I'm surprised you and Marco aren't sucking faces right now."

"Shut the fuck up, Eren. I didn't invite you here." I grumbled.

"I know, neither did Connie. Reiner was telling me how you've been here for days, sitting in the same spot just wallowing in your own pity. Pathetic, if you ask me," He chuckled and grabbed two Xbox controllers from the entertainment center, handing me one. "You wanna play a few rounds of Zombies or Gun Game?"

I accepted the controller. "Not really, but if we have you here I might as well kick your ass."

We all got a controller and played for about an hour, screaming and fighting each other every match. I was incredibly competitive over Call of Duty and considered myself really good at the game. Eren really knew how to get my competitive side out.

We finished the hour with a round of Zombies, all three of us struggling to get through round 29. We needed a crawler bad so Connie could get the box again and I ran out of monkeys to throw. After minutes of throwing random grenades, hoping I wouldn't kill the zombies instead of turning it into a crawler, we managed to make one.

"Thank God," I muttered. "Connie go find the box, I'll watch this Zombie so it doesn't die."

"Fantastic," He replied.

Eren joined me in watching the zombies since we were both good on ammo. The next round was supposed to be dogs, so Max Ammo was gonna drop soon

"You know, Marco had been really depressed these past few days," Eren started.

"Oh my God…" I sighed. Here we fucking go… “I don’t want to talk to you about him—”

"He sighs a lot, and he's been lost in thought. It's like he isn't all the way there when you talk to him." He said. I rolled my eyes and growled. "So what did you do to break his heart this time?"

"Eren, you lied. Marco doesn't like me," I muttered. "I don't want to talk about it. I just want to forget I've ever had feelings for him. Better yet, I want to find out who he likes so that I can beat the shit out of him for hurting him, then continue with my life."

He chuckled. “That’s incredibly rude. You know he likes you, I already told you he did.”

“Eren, what the fuck?” Connie hissed, nudging him with his leg. “Why did you say that?”

“Relax, Connie.” Eren shook his head. “Jean wasn’t going to figure it out on his own, you know how dense he was. I just talked to him on New Years and helped him figure out the answer on his own.”

“Sure Jean is dense, but what about our bet?”

“I’m right here, and I can hear everything you’re saying, assholes.” I growled. “Maybe I should kill this crawler so we can end the game right now. This is ridiculous.”

“Don’t!” Connie shrieked. “The box keeps giving me shit. I need more time—”

“The point is,” Eren started, cutting Connie off. “You’re a coward Jean, and you’re never going to tell him that you like him.”

I could feel my anger building. My hands clenched the controller harder than I probably should have. “Stop.” I said through clenched teeth.

“Why haven’t you told him? Is it because you don’t trust me?” He asked, raising his voice and adding more of a teasing tone. “Why the fuck would I do that to Marco? Why would I tear his best friend away from him? I care about him and the last thing he wants is to lose you, but guess what? You’re doing that to him already. You’re avoiding him and he’s suffering without you—”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP!” I snarled, dropping the controller and throwing myself at Eren. I wanted to choke him. I wanted him to never speak again. Eren threw himself backward and dodged me, and Connie grabbed me quickly, attempting to hold me back.

“Jean!” He struggled to hold me and I simply glared at him like he was next to get attacked. That didn’t stop him from holding me back though. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“I’m right…” Eren chuckled, smiling at me. “He’s probably sitting in his dorm room… alone… wishing you were there… wishing you’d talk to him—”

“I’m fucking talking to him!” I yelled, attempting to break free from Connie’s grip. “I answer every one of his texts! I’m not hurting him again—”

“Again?”

For some reason that made me stop, because all at once my heart was aching again. Avoiding Marco weeks prior had hurt him in the past, and I was doing it again. I promised I wouldn’t… and I was avoiding him all over again. Sure, I was answering all his texts, but I avoided his calls, and didn’t go to class all week because I was scared of seeing him. I felt myself shrinking back, my anger still present, due to the fact that it was Eren who was bringing me to the light. I wasn’t planning on hurting him further though.

He knelt down where I was slumped over, defeated. “You’re a coward, Jean.” He muttered.

I turned my head away, my heart aching but my ego was over the top as usual. “I could tell him anytime. I just decided not to.”

Eren shook his head and I heard Connie give an exasperated sigh from behind me. “Then prove it. I bet you won’t be able to tell him in one week.”

“I just said I didn’t want to lose him—”

“Marco isn’t going to stop being your friend if you confess to him. He’s not an asshole like that.” Eren rolled his eyes,the act making my blood boil. “You of all people should know that. He’s the nicest guy on campus.”

I rolled my eyes. “You guys don’t know that,”

Eren pondered for a moment. “Then how about you tell him in one week, or I tell him for you.” 

I attempted to get out of Connie’s arms to choke Eren, but somehow he was able to hold me back. “What the fuck is wrong with you, Eren?”

He didn’t say anything. He just smirked and shook his head before getting up. “Our game ended while you attempted to hurt me, I’m going back to my dorm.” He tossed the controller on Connie’s bed before getting up. “Remember what I said, Jean. I’m gonna do it.”

“I hate you,”

“I hate you too, Kirschtein.”

*****

_I barely remember the day we took back Trost. I wasn't sure if it was because of how many of my friends I had lost, or if it was the fact that I was the one who found Marco. For years, I tried to forget the way he looked, but it was cursed to live with that memory in my head till the day I died. Part of me wishes I wasn't the one to find him, but the rest of me knows that he wouldn't have wanted anyone else to find him that way. Cold, lifeless, alone and gone. So many people walked past his body and yet, none noticed him among the rubble, alone and morbidly torn in two — one half nowhere to be found._

_He was the closest thing I ever had to a best friend, and a lover. I never even told him I loved him... He was incredibly smart, and had a massive heart. Anyone I spoke to only had nice things to say about him. He was selfless and kind, but stern when orders needed to be given. He put others before himself and helped his fellow comrades without complaint._

_Sometimes I wondered if he ever got to be selfish in his entire life._

_He even risked his own life countless times to save other people, even myself. I liked to think that he died valiantly trying to save someone, but I was sure I'd never find out. His death would remain an enigma. Why was he alone? Was his last breath drawn in the form of a scream or was he quiet and utterly defeated?_

_When we had caught Annie with Marco's gear, I had taken it as my own. I never touched it though, and left it all at home for safekeeping. I couldn't get near it or look at it most days, but sometimes I would come home, and sit next to the gear and talk as if he were there to comfort me — like the few times he did in the past. My mother thought I was crazy, she walked in on me once and learned to knock next time. She didn't judge me at all though, knowing that fighting titans and watching my friends die was damaging on my mind, and I needed to find some way to cope with it all. Of course I wanted to find ways to cope after not finding the closure I so desperately needed but would never get._

_And then, a light appeared: Historia._

_She was revealed to be part of the Reiss family. After her coronation, she and I caught up as close friends, bonding over two freckled individuals we wished we could have learned more about._

_Somehow, Historia got me to talk about Marco's ODM gear, bringing up the fact that she couldn't believe Annie had it. I had replied telling her that I took it as a memento to remember him by, and told her how I wished I knew what had happened to him._

_Her response was the last thing I had expected. She asked me if she could see it so she could touch it. Unknown to me at the time, Historia had weak power to see the past on objects people she knew touched. It was random, and often didn't make sense, but she felt that anything she could get from it would help me find some sort of closure._

_You could imagine the confusion my mother had when I was dragging royalty through our humble home, her eyes darting from her to me with a look that suggested she thought we were together._

_"Mom, Historia. Historia, Mom." I quickly gestured to them and then grabbed her wrist, dragging her up the stairs to my bedroom._

_"Jeanie, you just got home after months of being gone and you're going to your room?" She asked with a broken tone._

_"I'll come down in a second, just need to take care of something real quick." I responded, my voice dry and soft, not my usual retorts or snobbiness. I was anxious to find out if Historia could see anything._

_My mother didn't try to fight me, she was already so worried about my well-being, she barely tried to parent me anymore. It was sad, but I knew she didn't prod or speak in fear of setting me off._

_Historia sat on a pillow I had set on the floor for her, and I set the ODM gear in front of her then sat across from her watching. I wasn't sure what I was watching for, but my chest ached as she reached forward to touch the gear for a moment._

_"You know, I miss him too." She said softly. "I was usually quiet in training, but he would make the effort to try and talk to me on occasion. He didn't deserve to die."_

_I didn't say anything, the pain in my chest getting worse as Historia spoke. It was yet another good memory to add to the growing pile of them that lived in my brain. I simply nodded in agreement, unable to bring myself to speak. I tried to focus on Historia's fingers caressing the metal as if looking for something to latch onto._

_Then after a moment, she spoke._

_"He was right. You understand the weak because you were weak, but you were strong for everyone even when you felt scared. He thought you were brave." I winced at her words, wondering if asking her to try was a bad idea. "You are going to make a good leader someday."_

_I felt my eyes burning as she continued to once again touch each piece of the gear individually. "I'm no leader," I muttered to myself._

_After what seemed like minutes of silence she spoke again. "He used to think of home a lot to comfort himself in battle. He would recall what it felt like to hug his parents."_

_I winced again._

_"Another thing that comforted him was thinking of you. I think he loved you,"_

_Tears suddenly started falling from my eyes as I felt my chest heaving with sobs. Why did she have to tell me that? Of all the things she could see it was that? She removed her hand from the metal and placed it on my hand, squeezing it gently. "You loved him."_

_I shut my eyes and bowed my head, letting the tears continue. "I wish I told him. The longer I lived without closure, I—" I was hopeless, my heart had chosen him even though I knew he was gone forever and I grieved for the fact that I would never be able to experience anything with him anymore._

_"Believe me when I say I understand how you feel,"_

_She did, I knew she did..._

I was awoken by my own tears flowing from my face, and once I was aware of being awake, I began to sob. Why did my dreams feel so real? It made me wonder if it was better to live in a world where I got to love Marco moments before losing him, compared to me currently crushing on him when he didn’t even reciprocate the feeling back. Which was more painful? I couldn’t decide.

I grabbed my phone quickly, unlocking it to see the photo of Marco that I had set as my lockscreen. The sight of it comforted me a little bit… at least I could convince myself he was alive.

The clock on the screen read 4:06am. 

I had school in two hours.

Fuck.

*****

I shuddered as I walked towards the cafeteria, not because of the cold wind on my neck, but because of the PSA that casually reminded me that Marco and I hadn’t spoken in a while. It had only been a week, but my chest was aching with longing. That whole week I was left tormented with a mix of dreams of Marco. Some incredibly racy and questionable (which I felt bad for Connie having to hear), while others were of me reflecting on Marco’s death in my dream world. Why my dreams were so focused on Marco at that moment, I don’t know. I was never able to control them before, but now all I could think about and even dream about was him. What the hell was wrong with me? Avoiding him was getting harder and harder, and I couldn’t keep living in my dorm eating pizza and watching netflix all day.

My parents weren’t paying for me to go to college for me to fail because I was too chickenshit to talk to my own best friend.

I wondered what Marco was doing… probably eating lunch. Did that mean I should avoid the place? Probably, but I was hungry and I didn’t really want to go drive to get something somewhere. That day was incredibly long and all the classes were hell, I didn’t want to add driving to the list. 

I opened the glass door and stuffed my hands into my jacket pockets as the sound of thousands of people hit me at once. One in particular caught my attention as I heard my name called. I scanned the crowd and saw Ymir at a table with some other people, I couldn’t tell who because of all the people in the way.

I squinted at her, unsure if I wanted to sit with her after all the shit she put Marco and I through, but I started to make my way over. She disappeared from view for a moment due to how crowded the room was and I was confused, maybe her backpack was on the ground and she was pulling shit out? It wasn’t until I got closer that I realized that Ymir was sitting with her girlfriend.

And Marco.

We made eye contact with what felt like several minutes, and I felt like I was frozen. He looked flustered, maybe because Ymir had called me over and I came so fucking willingly, I should have known. He didn’t want to see me. He definitely was angry with me. He probably fucking hated me for kissing him, why did I do that?

I watched Marco stand up and scramble to get all his stuff, then he ran away quickly. “I-I gotta get to class!” he yelled over his shoulder. We made eye contact again for a few seconds and I wished he didn’t look back, because I was sure he could see how disappointed I was.

When he was out of view, I sat down in the spot he had been sitting in and sighed loudly, running my fingers through my own hair. “What the fuck do you guys want…”

“You’re both idiots…” Ymir muttered.

I raised my head, once again squinting at the lesbian before me. “So you called me over to sit with you, just to insult me?”

She shook her head, clearly unamused. “Everyone thought you two would be together after you guys kissed. Why didn’t you tell him you liked him, Jean?”

I scoffed, getting up from my chair. “First off, I was blackout drunk. I don’t remember shit. Second off, all I’ve gotten this week is harassment from all of my so called ‘Friends,’, and I’m about to hit my fucking limit.”

Ymir grabbed my arm before I could walk away and it made my anger spike for a moment. I turned and stared at her for a moment, both of us having a death glare match before Krista jumped between us. “You guys need to stop… Jean, we’re here to help you.”

My glare switched to Krista and I narrowed my eyes. I was a bit thrown off after having a certain dream that morning, but it didn’t make me stop. “I didn’t ask for any of you to help me.”

She raised an eyebrow. “At least we got you guys to kiss—”

I ripped my arm out of Ymir’s grip and rolled my eyes, growling to myself as I started to leave. “It’s because of that kiss that I’m in this situation with him. He hates me now, and I’m terrified to even talk to him in fear of fucking things up further. He doesn’t like me, and you guys forced him to kiss me—”

“Jean!” Krista grabbed my arm this time.

I was getting really tired of being held back from leaving. I would have backhanded her or kicked her or something to get her to stop, but Krista was too nice, and a girl. Instead I let out a loud, frustrated sigh and turned my head with my brows furrowed with a livid expression. I think I terrified Krista, because she let my arm go, but I let her speak before trying to retreat.

“Don’t… give up hope.”

Hope? What fucking hope? I laughed at her statement as I walked away.

  
  


******

**_Jean,_ **

**_I hope this reaches you alright. Your father and I have been talking with a nice chairman from our company and he has a daughter that’s looking to get married. We were wondering if you wanted to switch to Trost’s School of Business, that way you could meet her. She’s heard a lot about you, and I’m sure she would learn to love you fairly quickly. Her name is Sandra._ **

**_Here’s a few photos of her that her father gave to us. We think she’s a nice girl and you’d do wonderfully with her. You should give her a chance._ **

I stared at my phone for what seemed like an hour, trying to process the fact that my mother had sent me an email to court one of her co-worker’s daughters. My mother had left contact information, including her facebook and even her phone number. She looked sort of plain… mid length brown hair with bangs and dark eyes—not really my type. I was more into beautiful freckled individuals with dark hair and sparkling chocolate brown eyes who called me their best friend.

Fuck my life.

The fact that my mother had emailed me about a potential person to marry was starting to get on my nerves. Sure, she had set me up in the past with business partner’s daughters on a whim, but she quickly learned that not telling me beforehand that I was going out was a bad idea and stopped that fairly quickly. Instead she’d just casually introduce me to more and more women that I had no interest in. This was different. Now, she was deliberately trying to get me to marry a woman I didn’t even know. 

I wondered what my mother would have done if I told her that I was with someone. I wasn’t of course… but I wondered what she would do. Would she want me to break up with said person to be with someone she suited better. She probably would disapprove of Marco in a heartbeat—

Well… if I was ever able to get him to date me. Which would never happen, of course.

I wondered what Marco was doing, usually we took notes together during that class to study together, but he had decided to sit in his old spot. It hurt me a little.

_"Stars are born within the clouds of dust and scattered throughout most galaxies. An example of such is the Orion Nebula. Turbulence deep within these clouds…"_

I really wasn't paying attention at all. It didn’t help that my estranged mother was harassing me while I was in the middle of trying to figure things out with Marco. Class was going to be hell… As I quietly suffered, I wondered if Marco was doing any better than me and quickly glanced up at him. He was viciously writing in his notebook, looking like he didn't have a care in the world. He was probably trying to forget about me. Why was I trying to tell myself otherwise?

_“As the cloud collapses, the material at the center begins to heat up. Known as a protostar, it is this hot core at the heart of the collapsing cloud that will one day become a star…”_

I turned back to the professor and sighed, spinning a pencil in my fingers as I once again realized that this was all my fault. If I hadn't gotten drunk at that party, none of this would have happened. Marco and I wouldn’t be avoiding each other, and I would be suffering from other things instead… like not telling Marco I liked him in fear of losing him. Not having my best friends feelings reciprocated (when he didn’t know shit) was better than whatever the hell I was experiencing at that point.

My phone vibrated and I flinched, scared that it went off during class. I hoped it wasn't my mother texting me that she sent me an email, but I let out a sigh of mixed relief and dread as I realized that it was Marco. 

**From Marco:**

**Hey… are you alright? You look a bit sad today.**

Maybe I was being dramatic. I glanced up at where Marco was sitting and he had set his notes to the side, leaning on his arm. We made eye contact for a moment and for some reason, that felt like the most intimate thing I had done with the man in a while. Was I really just starved for Marco’s attention or something? He raised an eyebrow and nudged his head at me, and I remembered that he had just sent a text before I had started ogling him.

I never typed a text quicker after that.

**To Marco:**

**just a bit tired**

**From Marco:**

**Nightmares?**

I winced, reminded of the dream I had the day before.

**To Marco:**

**yeah… u could say that**

After sending that last text, I folded my arms and rested my head on them as I acted like I was trying to listen to the teacher. I wasn’t listening at all. Now that I was reminded, all I could think of was Marco’s death and Historia— I mean… Krista’s talk with me all over again and it was making me feel like I wanted to cry.

My phone buzzed, and I blinked away tears as I looked at Marco’s next text, my heart sinking at the words.

**From Marco:**

**Can we talk after class?**

Was this it? Was Marco going to end the bullshit and finally kick me to the curb? I stared at the text for a while, unsure how to answer. If I told him yes, it was over. He was going to leave… but if I said no, I was sure he would leave me without saying goodbye. we would go back to strangers again, before we had shared our astronomy notes. I would go back to being a lonely angry bastard who no one truly loved. 

**To Marco:**

**yeah**

It was nice while it lasted, but I was done suffering. I might as well rip everything off like a bandaid so I didn't prolong the pain… I loved him, but I needed to get over it.

The class ended way too quickly, I wasn’t ready to talk to Marco. I couldn't believe how fast the hour ended. It took me a moment to get out of my seat, but the moment I did, Marco materialized out of nowhere and scared the shit out of me

“Shit… You’re like a ghost, Bodt. So goddamn quiet...”

“Sorry…” His voice was really sad sounding. I was right, I knew it… he was dropping me. He just needed to get things off of his chest as soon as he could. "Can we talk in my dorm room? I don't have class till one."

I attempted to swallow but my throat was dry. "Of course…"

Walking back to his dorm was fucking awkward. We were both so quiet, it scared the shit out of me. My heart wouldn’t stop racing, and my chest felt tight. I could feel my knees buckling with every step I took. I was so weak, it made me angry. I wondered if Marco was just as scared, or if he was feeling the relief of finally being rid of me after everything I had done to him. To think he trusted me enough to talk to him in his dorm...

We got to the door and Marco unlocked the door. I watched him, feeling stiff from how tense I was. He let me in first, and I immediately went to go sit on the empty bed, placing my hands on my lap. I balled them into fists as I felt myself shaking with fear. I wasn't ready to talk… but I wouldn't hold Marco back.

Marco entered the room with a loud sigh after locking the door and I felt my heart leap. We were alone. I ran my fingers through my hair nervously, digging my fingers into my scalp as I sat there, waiting for him to say something. Anything.

Was he nervous too? I didn't dare look him in the eye in fear of letting everything out. I couldn't do that to him… he didn't like me.

He cleared his throat and I leaped like twenty feet. Clearly I was tense… and jumpy. Marco looked a bit scared. I want sure if I was the one that scared him, or if he was scared to speak.

"Um… so." Silence. Marco sort of sat there with a blank expression on his face that looked like he was struggling to think of anything. "Um… do you hate me?"

"What?" Marco thought I hated him? Well… maybe I read things completely wrong, which wasn't a surprise—I did that a lot. "No. I don't I don't hate you,"

"You're avoiding me again. You promised me you wouldn't do that."

And there it was. I dropped my head down to stare at the floor, feeling like the shittiest person in the world. He was right, I promised him I wouldn't avoid him again, but the situation we we're in at the time was pretty unique. I was sure that match didn't want to talk after all that had gone down, and I thought I ruined everything. “I honestly thought you didn’t want to talk to me.”

“Why? Do you think I’m mad at you?” Marco's voice was almost a whisper.

I couldn't look at him. His voice was so fucking sad sounding that I could only assume what would happen next. I was terrified of what I'd do if I saw the disappointment in his eyes again. I'd ruin everything all over again by confessing. What if he cried again… fuck. I couldn't bear to see him cry again. After a moment of preparing myself, I managed to speak. “I mean, yeah… Because… y’know… we kissed.”

He was dead fucking silent and I wondered if he was changing his mind on not hating new. I'd change my mind if I was him. Some guy that was just my friend, who I didn't like that way, kissing me? Gross. 

“I’m not mad.”

What?

“You’re not?” I spoke my thoughts without caution. “You told me the guy you liked was at this party and he saw us kiss. Me, on top of you, sitting in your goddamn lap, all up in your fucking business, and you’re telling me you aren’t pissed off?”

I heard him let out a long sigh and I looked up at his face just to see him close his eyes. He sounded defeated, almost sad. “That… doesn’t matter.”

Anger started to build up inside me, and with all my built up fear and anxiety, it was starting to get a bit hard to control. I could barely think before I spoke. “Why, because he doesn’t like you?” 

After saying that, I felt my chest tighten with anger as I realized what I had said. Who in their right mind wouldn't like Marco? A psychopath? He was too innocent and smart and cute and… And he had gorgeous brown eyes and dark hair that hung in his face over his adorable freckled cheeks, and—fuck. _Stop_. I grit my teeth. Who the fuck wouldn't find him attractive and wouldn't take the chance to be with him? He was literally perfect. “Marco, you’d better tell me who the fuck this asshole is, because I’m about ready to beat the shit out of him. You’re perfect, and if he can’t see that, he’s an idiot.” I was speaking so loudly my throat started to hurt, my arms were shaking as I gripped the bed frame under me, leaning in as I breathed heavily.

I was so angry. Each word was only firing me up further, sending me into much more of a rage. I envied the person that Marco's unrequited feelings belonged to. I wished they were towards me. Why couldn't he like me? I would have treated him like a king, and here he was feeling utterly disappointed because the guy kicked him to the curb. Was he just happy to at least kiss someone?

“Listen… He’s not interested in me, and he never will be. Beating the shit out of him isn’t going to change his mind, and you couldn’t if you wanted to. It’s impossible.”

I scoffed. Marco thought I couldn't hurt someone? That was hilarious. “You think I’m incapable of beating the shit out of someone? Is he bigger than me? Does he, like, know how to do Karate?” My breathing became more heavy as I got up from the bed, my legs no longer wanting to stay still. I started pacing while crazily running my fingers through my hair, pulling at it every so often. I hated him. I don't even know who he was and yet I despised him. “You said he was at that party? Was he in the truth or dare circle?”

Marco sounded terrified when he spoke. “Yep…”

The confirmation only seemed to drive me to continue. I was done waiting on him telling me, I wanted to take my anger out on someone who deserved it, and I was going to figure it out whether he told me or not. “Is it Eren?”

“No…”

“Good, I _can_ beat the shit out of him. I’ve done it before. He's a stupid, puny, little fucking bitch.” I grabbed my chin and thought hard of all the people in the circle. Eren, Connie, Armin, Reiner and Bertholdt. Five different choices, all close friends of mine. I was ready to go find one of them and beat them to a pulp. “Connie?”

“No.” I think that Marco was starting to catch on, I could hear the terror in his voice grow as my anger continued to drive me.

“Reiner?”

“Jean, I don’t know if I want to do this—”

Of course… of fucking course if was him. I scoffed at his remark to protect the guy. “It’s Reiner isn’t it? You’re avoiding the question.”

“No, Jean—”

"You're scared because he already has a boyfriend, of course."

"Jean, it's not—"

"Or did you try to tell him and he rejected you?" I felt my whole body tense even more. Marco was incredible, and he deserved to be happy, yet he was here suffering because a dude didn't want him. I balled my fist angrily, almost hurting myself from how tense I was. "Fuck… if he did, I swear I'll wring his fucking neck."

"No—"

“I could take Reiner.” At that moment with how much adrenaline was in my veins, I was sure I could. At least I could fuck him up a bit before getting myself into the hospital. “I could beat the shit out of him, he’s bigger and tougher than I am, but I sure as hell could give him a black eye if I wanted to. I could break the motherfucker’s nose and—”

 _“No!”_ He shrieked.

His voice stopped me in my tracks. I hadn’t heard him scream so loudly in a while. His voice sounded so scared, it made most of my anger melt away instantly. Instead it was replaced with dread of what I had done. I hadn’t thought about what would happen if I pried a confession out of him and now I was paying for it. I scowled at him, but I could tell he could see how terrified I was. I almost stopped prying right then and there, no longer wanting to ask him different names, but then he quietly mumbled out, “It’s not Reiner.”

I blinked, looking into his eyes to find some sort of answer. Was he wanting me to keep pushing? He looked like he was waiting for the next person for me to list off. I felt myself moving again, this time pacing in a slow pattern rather than an angry rushed one. I was scared suddenly. Was I really ready to find out who Marco liked this whole time? My aching heart couldn't take it. “Bertholdt?” My voice was quiet and it shook with a twinge of hesitance.

“No.”

Of course… Why hadn't he seen it before? Marco liked Armin. Although kinda short, I could see the appeal in him. He was cute and incredibly smart, just like Marco. They matched a bit better than he and I anyways. I couldn't beat him up if I tried, I'd feel too bad. “Armin?” I finally asked, my voice sounding more fearful than before.

“No.”

I stopped pacing. Was Marco joking? That was all five of the guys that were there. He must have lied to me… or was there some other person there that wasn't in the photo Eren sent. It was highly likely, I couldn't see the whole room. Maybe there was someone else hidden behind the camera. “Was there any other guys in the circle?”

Marco closed his eyes, his terror still reflected in his face. I must have hit it dead on. There was one more person. “Me…” He paused. I was dying to hear the last name, but at the same time I was mortified. What other close friend could he have had at Ymir's party? It felt like minutes had passed before he had continued. “And… you.”

I froze as Marco's words began to sink in. Did he just say that I was the last person in the room other than himself? Things started to make sense as I thought more into it. Why would all of our friends try so hard to get us together? Why did Eren pull me aside to actually talk to me about Marco’s feelings rather than fight me? I was the closest person to Marco… we were best friends. We did everything together, which meant there was no room for some other crush other than me.

Marco had a crush on me. It was me.

I was a fucking idiot.

“Me?” I asked, craving his confirmation.

Marco had curled up in a ball on his bed, his face in his knees, but I could see how red he was. He gave a soft nod and suddenly I was attacked by a flurry of emotions.

Marco had feelings for me? Marco liked me… The freckled boy that made me question my sexuality was actually interested in me?

“I… Me?” I was shocked and unsure how to move forward. I didn't think I'd get this far. 

I could help but wonder what I did to gain Marco's affection when I had absolutely nothing to offer. Sure, possibly good looks, but that was it… I was sort of an asshole to him all break, and all I did before that was act like a complete child. I crawled into bed with him most nights as he comforted me from my dreams, kept him awake as we cuddled the whole night long. I had made fun of him, got in fights with him over stupid things. Why?

“W-why me…”

“I’ve liked you since the day you knocked on my door with Panera.”

I couldn’t help but grin. Marco really liked me since the beginning of our friendship? I had gotten him sick after he helped me with some Astrology notes and I felt terrible when he told me that he had gotten sick. I remembered him answering the door with crazy bed head, looking like absolute shit. I leaned against the wall and laughed. “Really… that long?”

Marco’s own laugh rang through the room and it made my heart melt. How could one person contain that much cuteness? “Y-yeah…”

“Wow…” I don’t think I had ever felt more confident to speak with Marco. In fact, I moved towards him, a smile plastered over my cheeks as I sat down next to him. He was still curled up, but I was sure he’d warm up soon… I wasn’t going to hold myself back anymore. “Y’know, that means that Eren wasn’t lying to me at New Years.”

“What do you mean?”

I shrugged. “Well, he told me that you liked me,”

His head shot up. “He told you that?!” His voice was so high pitched when he spoke, I had to hold myself back from tackling him and kissing him right then and there. I’d do that later.

“I didn’t believe him though. We talked for about ten minutes and he was trying to get it into my dense head, but I couldn’t trust him.” I leaned back onto the wall, glancing at him every so often as I tried to hold back my smile.

Marco looked like he was trying to process my words, unsure what I was getting at. “You and Eren talking? and not fighting?”

“Yeah, pretty fucking weird, huh?” I grinned. “I was going crazy trying to figure out who this guy you liked was. We had just gotten off the phone and he had overheard us talking. He uh… challenged me to do something during the break and I was too scared to do it.” I thought about our calls on the phone and on skype and how badly I had wanted to get it off my chest back then. I had thought it would be easier to tell him when we were miles away from each other than in person… God, if only I had. “We talked for a bit and you had told me that this guy you liked told you he liked someone, and Eren helped me connect the dots. I didn't trust him, of course, but I…” Should I say it? I hesitated, knowing full well that Marco reciprocated my feelings. Why was I nervous still? “I wished it was true."

My heartbeat quickened as I awaited his response. Was I being blunt enough? Would Marco catch on? "Jean…" He sighed, his tone so needy and loving.

Fuck, it sounded so nice to hear my name on his lips.

I continued, mentally swooning over his beautiful voice. "Marco, you know how I wanted to kiss someone on New Years?"

"Yeah…"

"W-well…" I was so nervous that my voice cracked. Fuck… I couldn’t even look him in the eyes, I was so embarrassed. "I wanted to, uh... kiss you."

I heard him gasp and my stomach did flips. “You… wanted to kiss me?” Marco sounded so shocked, which didn’t help the building anxiety in my chest.

“Did I fucking stutter?” I tried to speak with confidence but the fear was getting to me. It made my face grow warm, so I kept my eyes away from him as I continued. “Of course I wanted to kiss you.”

“Why do you want to kiss me?” He sounded urgent, like he needed me to confirm something for him.

Did Marco really not get it? Did I really have to spell it out for him?

“Because I…” I still couldn’t look at him, I was still a bit scared—regardless of the fact that he had just told me he liked me. There was still a sense of dread of putting myself out in the open and becoming vulnerable for him… but I knew I could trust Marco. He wouldn’t hurt me. He wouldn’t leave me. “This whole time I thought you loved someone else. If I knew it was me the whole time…” I shook my head, letting out a soft growl out of frustration at myself and then fell back into the bed, looking up at him as I spoke. “I would have told you that I loved you too.”

“Jean…” Jesus, he said my name again and I couldn’t help but blush. This time it sounded a little forced, like he was about to cry. I noticed a few tears fall from his eyes and my heart broke instantly. Shit, did I say something wrong? He wiped away his tears and looked down at me with his sparkling brown eyes and I was gone. I was so fucking in love with my best friend, there was no hope for me. I looked away, embarrassed at my own thoughts again and he immediately grabbed my wrist. I glanced at him in shock as he pulled me in for a hug, one of his hands running through my hair and the other around my waist. Being held felt so nice, my eyes fluttered closed as I finally returned his hug, melting into him with a laugh. "I love you," Marco breathed.

"Why didn't you tell me sooner, dumbass?" I responded sarcastically. I clung to him tightly, my heart threatening to kill me. "We could have avoided all this shit. I love you so Goddamn much."

"I love you..."

It was so nice to hear him say that. God I wanted to kiss him… _Wait_ . I thought. _I can do that now!_ I pulled away, Marco’s face looking disappointed that I was leaving, but I placed my hands on his face and kissed him before he could react. I couldn’t remember our first kiss, but part of me was happy that this was what I remembered as our first. Marco was so soft and gentle and yet so loving and needy. His arms pulled me closer and clung to me as we kissed and it was all I could ask for. When we parted, I made eye contact with the idiot and we both blushed. 

After a moment, he giggled again—Jesus Christ it was cute—and he kissed me on the cheek for a long time. God, I was so flustered over how cute he was, and he was eating it up. He kept kissing me on the cheek which only seemed to fluster me more. "S-stop…"

He obeyed and I let out a happy sigh as he hugged me again and cuddled into my chest. “Jean?”

“Yeah?”

“Be my roommate?”

I couldn’t help but laugh. “Sure, Bodt.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm surprised you made it this far! Thank you for reading this, I hope you enjoyed it! Comments and Kudos are appreicated. I will update this again hopefully soon!


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